Thursday, April 22, 2010

The Empty Suitcase Project

I'm such a big fan of YouTube, I subscribe to a lot of channels on there that is entertaining to me. I've subscribed to the channel passionsf for a while now, I really enjoy his voice and love that he's a song writer and not just singing other people's music but also his own. He's had a lot of success just on YouTube and with that he's taken that opportunity to be a part of what is called "The Empty Suitcase Project" where he did a concert in London with a few empty suitcases of people donating items to Tanzania as well as all the proceeds from the concert.

Yes so this project is for a good cause and people should be inspired by this man of what he is doing but what really got to me is this video below. He's made several parts of his travels and explaining the actual project but this one in particular got me so emotional. You can skip over to 3:09 where Wes from Wong Fu Productions and his letter he got from his mom before he graduated from college.




I just don't know how to express how great his parents are. I just feel like parents are always in your life trying to control you thinking that they always know best, but his parents have realize that he's an adult and allowed him to take his own path on what he should do and not be in the way or holding him back. I'm not saying my parents are not good parents because they definitely are, growing up they've always had food on the table and told us from right and wrong and just having good work ethics even with them coming to this country not having the education of people that has lived here all their lives. I look at them and feel inspired and also thinking how lucky I am to have them to know that they're always there for me if I need them if I'm ever in a bind.

I just wish they didn't have such high expectation of me growing up, nothing wrong with wanting the best but I feel like I was getting pushed to do something that I didn't want to do. Also, me growing up being an adult and realizing I have my own mind I was just left confused. I'm 26 now and I really have no idea what I want to do with my life and it makes me very annoyed that I haven't got anything accomplished yet at this age. There's always time to figure out what you want to do later in life but you see all these people that are younger than you with their life just set.

Right now in my life I think I'm happy where I am, I have a few goals I like to get to and I'm slowly making my way towards them. It is like I'm starting all over just a little but I think some people are late bloomers...

Monday, April 12, 2010

Wow... Is this really STRESS?

I've been getting a lot of demands, trying to reach goals that I can't seem to reach, trying to finish one project but getting told I'm not doing something correct, taking on more tasks when I already got enough on my back. I'm not managing it all well but I keep trying to push myself so I can please people. I'm a very stubborn person, I'm sure everyone that's currently in my life knows that. I just want people to believe I'm reliable and can do the job, I hate letting people down. I think I'm finally reached a place where it's not safe. Work has been down on me, I haven't been making production that I should be hitting and I'm afraid to lose that job real soon because of it. It's not like I'm not trying either, I've worked through my lunch at times knowing that I won't get paid for it and still haven't reached that production level I'm suppose to hit. A person at work that started just a week before me has been hired on because her production has way surpasses mine has just made me feel real stupid. The thing that gets me is that the job is not difficult whatsoever so it pains me more to not be able to do something that should come so familiar to me with the experience I have.

Trying to get things up and ready to go with my social media sites for the Asian Festival is killing me too. I know I've been doing a half ass job and not really posting the quality that I would like. This blog is something that is a small stress reliever to me, but the time that I have writing this, is also waiting for this video to encode to a file so I would be able to edit it later then post it on YouTube since my partner in this is not so computer literate as I am, apparently...

With this stress I've started to break out in hives, I really don't think it's allergy related because I've been taking tons of Benedryl with no results of relief. It's really adding more to my stress because my skin is filled with red bumps and very dry patches around my face and other places making it very uncomfortable to even move and making me feel very self-conscious that people are looking at my flaws. After work I would sometimes load up on Benedryl and Melatonin to knock me out so I wouldn't have the urge to scratch my horrible looking body. Constantly keeping a bottle of moisturizer in my pocket all day to keep my face looking somewhat decent is what I really shouldn't be doing. i should actually be going to the doctor to get some kind of penicillin-based shot but can't because I have no insurance and with me being close to the edge at work it's making it harder to get that really needed insurance.

My weight has risen these past couple years but recently I just feel like it's working overtime. Food is one of those things that a lot of people have problems with but it's always there for you and comforting you. I've completely stopped working out because I haven't been motivated enough and once I get off of work and thinking of myself as a failure, the last thing I want to do is something active. Of course people would read this part and think it's some kind of excuse, see it however you like but this is how I feel about this part.

This past weekend I have shown a part of me that I really hate. Being it as a weekend and from all of the hell I've been through stressing about work I thought in my head it would be a good idea to just let loose and have a few drinks with some friends. Turns out of course I would end up being in an argument with someone publicly calling them trash when if I was looking in on that I would consider myself as being "trashy." Also later being angry at this car almost hitting me exiting the parking lot I punch their car and they were yelling back at me threatening me to kick my ass. It's not a great moment for me of course but I do blame it on the build up of stress and I was finally able to let it all out. Funny enough, it really did help me a lot to just go off on someone I felt very "high" and it almost felt good to be-little someone as horrible that may have sound.

The next day I went out again but didn't drink heavily and for some reason I spent most of the night trying to make some sense to a drunk female friend, which now that I think of it I should have just let it go because it seems to be a whole act that night just to get attention of someone else. Just one of those things for I don't understand the female mind at times, I do have a lot of female friends and it's just never cool when you're talking with them, your words don't mean a thing because their mind is already made up, they love to have someone feel sorry for them and be on their side. I just really hate at the end of the day when you really care for a friend, they just leave you feeling stupid and used.

...Well my video has finally encoded so I'll be working on editing and getting those videos up. Please subscribe to celebrAsian's YouTube channel!

Saturday, April 03, 2010

Cry

I think people need to release their tears every once in a while. You can only hold back your true emotions so much that you start to go insane and veer off to emotion that really isn't you. I cried last night, and it was because of a dream I had. My dream was about my grandpa, he died in '97 from lung cancer and he was actually the first person that I was real close with that past away. I remember it so well, I was in 7th grade and just seeing him deteriorating right in front of me as the cancer took over was really difficult to see. My dream was pretty much just a normal day but he was alive, I was hanging out at the house and he was watching TV in his wife-beater and shorts, with his Mountain Dew in from of him. All of a sudden my dream moved a couple days later and he was looking a little ill. He started having these coughs and it was exactly like what has actually happened. It moved to the day when he was at the hospital the doctor came into the room to tell us that he only had a couple months left. I remember that day very well it was heartbreaking, the whole room filled with my family couldn't take it.

That was when I woke up from my dream and I was crying in my sleep. My pillow was soaked and waking up from that dream I continued to cry, just reliving through that experience was too much for me to handle. I hated it, that was a big change in my life and I think after that I never really had it in me to be close to anyone after that. I think that's the reason for me hating high school I think that was the reason I lost faith in god. I think that was the reason I never really had any close friends. It's like I just don't care anymore and it really has screwed up my life.

I just really couldn't accept the fact that he was gone, he's not going to be there anymore and I won't be able to accept hugs and kisses from him anymore. I just really loved him and at times I would see him more than I would see my own parents. I don't think I'll ever get over it, I've lost other grandparents in that past years but his death for some reason meant more to me it seems...