Quite Bummed

It's been awhile I guess and I'm sad to report that I'm not really feeling as happy as I have been. 2014 was such a great year for me and moving into the halfway mark of 2015, it's definitely not even comparable. Last year I lost tons of weight, started a new position at work, actually had money saved for a European trip and went on it, and completed a half marathon. So far this year I've actually gained weight (I don't think it's all muscle either...) been really bad financially, started drinking more again and work has been so damn stressful.

It's a long story to get into each little thing I'm dealing with right now but I feel like I needed an outlet and writing is always been a thing that soothes me. I need to stay positive.

Fat Kid Problems... Still in Effect

I really focused on losing weight summer time of 2013 and I've lost a total of 90lbs. Currently I've been up from my lowest and have gained 10-ish lbs (give or take a few). I have been working with a more weights so the up in numbers could be the development of muscles but I am still hating the look of my body. Even though people have been looking at me as inspiration or asking for tips on my weight loss journey, I'm still unsatisfied with my physical appearance. I can't help it when I look into the mirror I still see this fat person staring back at me. I always try to persuade people to believing that if you really want something you have to work hard for it and I've always believed in it myself but it's getting more and more difficult to. Yeah I've lost a good amount of weight but in my head it just doesn't seem good enough. I don't think I'll ever be okay with taking my shirt off in front of people so public pools and beaches for me are terrifying.

Don't get me wrong, I'll still continue to workout and watching what I eat. I'm starting to think I'm developing some kind of psychological thing on why I'm not completely happy with myself.

High School Again...

People are still in high school and I don't think you'll ever really escape it. There's always going to be someone that hates you or try to make your life miserable. I just had to bring this up because just recently I got mixed up into some high school crap about a he said, she said kind of deal. I mean believe who you want to believe but I think for myself it's easier to say "I don't give a shit" and move on. I'm not a person who really cares too much about what people say; or X that I could care but it's just easier for me to let go and move on because really it just doesn't matter what people's opinions are of me because I know for myself it's not true and who are they to pass judgement. I think that's why people fail in life because they're living life trying to impress some one and if you do things for other people and don't put your own happiness first you'll surely fail.

Just my two cents.