Cry

I think people need to release their tears every once in a while. You can only hold back your true emotions so much that you start to go insane and veer off to emotion that really isn't you. I cried last night, and it was because of a dream I had. My dream was about my grandpa, he died in '97 from lung cancer and he was actually the first person that I was real close with that past away. I remember it so well, I was in 7th grade and just seeing him deteriorating right in front of me as the cancer took over was really difficult to see. My dream was pretty much just a normal day but he was alive, I was hanging out at the house and he was watching TV in his wife-beater and shorts, with his Mountain Dew in from of him. All of a sudden my dream moved a couple days later and he was looking a little ill. He started having these coughs and it was exactly like what has actually happened. It moved to the day when he was at the hospital the doctor came into the room to tell us that he only had a couple months left. I remember that day very well it was heartbreaking, the whole room filled with my family couldn't take it.

That was when I woke up from my dream and I was crying in my sleep. My pillow was soaked and waking up from that dream I continued to cry, just reliving through that experience was too much for me to handle. I hated it, that was a big change in my life and I think after that I never really had it in me to be close to anyone after that. I think that's the reason for me hating high school I think that was the reason I lost faith in god. I think that was the reason I never really had any close friends. It's like I just don't care anymore and it really has screwed up my life.

I just really couldn't accept the fact that he was gone, he's not going to be there anymore and I won't be able to accept hugs and kisses from him anymore. I just really loved him and at times I would see him more than I would see my own parents. I don't think I'll ever get over it, I've lost other grandparents in that past years but his death for some reason meant more to me it seems...